Murder in Mayberry
by minderbinder
Summary: This is the episode I always wanted to see. It is a departure from the average TAGS plot line though. Some of the cast will be OOC later in the chapters.
1. Chapter 1

"Now just try and calm down, Sara," Andy said into the phone. The sheriff was sitting on the corner of his desk trying to get some sense out of the towns' operator. "If you can, just take a deep breath and start over," Andy reassured. Barney, his deputy walked over from the cells and propped on the broom he was carrying.

"What's got Sara so rattled?" he asked as soon as the sheriff hung up the phone. The look on Andy's face worried him, but it was the reply that clenched his stomach with an icy hand.

"Go get your extra bullets," Andy said seriously as he stepped over to the gun rack, "there's been a murder."

Barney tried to form words, but the sounds just wouldn't come out. To Barney, murders happened in Raleigh; they happened sometimes in Mt. Pilot, they happened all the time _somewhere else_, never in Mayberry.

"You gonna stand there and gulp air like a fish, or are you gonna go get your bullets?" Andy asked. With a shotgun resting on his shoulder, he turned to leave. His trance of disbelief suddenly broken, Barney scrambled as quickly as he could for the back room. Grabbing the whole box of thirty eights, he made it out to the squad car just as Andy was pulling it into drive.

Barney's bowels were going liquid and sweat was poring from his body as Andy guided them away from the town square and onto a dirt road. Although he was familiar with the area, it felt like the longest trip Barney had ever taken in the towns' only police car. The questions that tried to surface in his mind; who, what, where, were all continuously derailed by the reoccurring thought, _not Mayberry._ Andy, silently driving, just stared through the windshield as they moved along the tree lined road.

"We're here," Andy announced to his deputy after pulling into Wally's filling station. Although they were parked broadside to the garage, the bay door stood open like a gaping mouth in Barney's peripheral vision. He couldn't bring himself to turn and look at it lest it swallow him into a voracious new reality. _Not Mayberry._

"Come on, Barn," Andy said suddenly, making Barney squeak a little in surprise, "I've got to have you with me at the scene." Opening the door for him, Andy helped Barney out of the car, and nudged him toward the garage as Wally walked out to meet them.

To Barney this wasn't Wally. Not the Wally he had bought a pack of nabs from yesterday, this was another Wally, disaster Wally. He didn't look the same. It couldn't be the same person. This Wally was a little too pale with wide, worried eyes and wringing hands. This Wally scared Barney.

"Andy! What's going to happen?" Wally asked shuffling sideways beside the sheriff. "Who could have done this, sheriff? Who?" Andy stopped walking and turned towards Wally.

"I know its terrible Wally, but you have to calm down so I can take your statement. That's the best I can do right now," Andy said evenly to Wally. His voice obviously having a calming effect on the station owner, Wally began to talk.

"Well Andy," he began, "I came out here early today because the last couple of weeks, Goober has been a little late opening up." He stopped, clenching his mouth a little. "I came out this morning to…," he continued slowly, "to fire him," he finished with a muffled sob.

"What did you find this morning?" Andy prompted after letting Wally compose himself.

"Goober's dead," he blurted, "he's in there and he's just dead." Wally, looking at the ground was pointing towards the garage.

"Why don't you sit down over there and compose yourself while me and Barney go look at the scene."

During the last couple of minutes, Barney had stood rigid while Andy questioned Wally, barely seeming to breathe as he heard of Goobers' fate. Now, he seemed to be floating slowly towards the open garage door. He couldn't feel his legs moving. As his eyes adjusted to the dark in the bay, it took him yet another minute to assimilate what he was seeing.

There lying at the back of the garage was Goober's body wearing clothes that are somewhat disheveled and dirty. Goobs' shoulders, butted up against one of the rails of the car lift, were stained red. A dark sticky arrow on the floor was pointing to the remains of Goobers' head still stuck under the rail of the lift.

It was then that it all went dark for Barney. When he came to, he was no longer in the garage but leaning against the outside wall, looking at the ground. As his eyes focused, all he could see was a puddle of vomit between his feet. Andy was there, talking to him.

"Barn!" he said with a voice a little harsh with worry, "Are you OK Barn?!"

Barney grabbed Andy's arm to steady himself and took the offered handkerchief. Wiping his mouth, he managed to straighten up and catch his breath.

"I think I'm OK now Ange," he said shakily looking up at the sheriff. "It's just that it's Goob in there Ange, its Goob."

"I tell you what Barn," Andy started, "Why don't you get the crime scene tape out of the trunk and rope off the area. After that, go ahead and take Wally there back to the courthouse."

"You don't think **he** did it do you?" asked Barney in shock.

"I can't be too certain, but were not gonna arrest him right now, just him calm down enough to give us a good statement." Andy handed his deputy the keys to the patrol car and said, "Go by the diner and pick him up a lunch special. Getting him away from the scene and giving him a warm meal should be good for him."

"Well, what are you gonna do Andy?" Barney asked, "Don't you need me here?"

"All I have to do now is wait for the coroner to show up, and then remove the body. So you go on, and I'll call you or get a ride back later."


	2. Chapter 2

----------------------------- Chapter 2.------------------------------

Barney leaned back in his chair at the small desk in the corner of the courthouse. Starring at the equipment sitting on the desk and the gun rack on the wall, he couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt that none of it had helped Goober. Wally was in the number one cell, sleeping restlessly with the door open. Barney had finally managed to get a coherent statement after letting him eat lunch and rest.

It's true that Goober had been opening the garage late most mornings, but apparently, he was stealing money from Wally as well. Barney was still trying to understand how Goob had ended up under the car lift when Andy walked in.

"I'm glad you're back," Barney said getting to his feet. "How'd it go with the coroner?"

"He said that Goober must have died early this morning, about three or so. I reckon that the funeral will be in a couple of days. Closed casket, of course," he said filling his cup with coffee.

"Oh, here's the statement I took from Wally. I think we need to keep him in custody, it looks like he has a motive," Barney said.

"I'm glad to see you getting back to yourself Barn, but I don't think we need to keep him any longer."

"What do you mean, Ange?" he asked hands going to his hips.

"Hey, Wally," Andy shouted into the cell, "get up, were going to close up shop here in a few minutes." Wally grumbled a little then swung his feet to the floor, and walked out of the cell.

"I'll be glad to give you a ride home," Andy offered.

"That's OK," said Wally, "I think a walk will do me good right about now."

As the door shut behind him Barney was all protests.

"Andy!" he said walking closer to the sheriff, "we can't just let him go. He's got to be the murderer." He walked a couple of steps away and did an abrupt about face. He pushed his cap back on his head and said, "We have to protect the towns' people at all cost. We need to make sure that we're not setting a killer loose on the streets of Mayberry! Andy, we have got to **nip … this … in … the… bud!**" He hit the palm of one hand with the back of the other to emphasize each word at the end.

"Now I know you're back to yourself, Barn," Andy said with the first grin he'd managed that day. "But I know something that you don't."

"What's that, Ange?" Barney asked in a guarded tone.

"Do you remember that fella we had in here about a week ago? A real hard case, you know who I'm talkin' about?"

"Oh, you mean the guy we caught shoplifting at Weaver's department store?"

"That's the one. You see, he managed to escape between here and Raleigh Tuesday of this week."

All the color that Barney had managed to get back into his face after that morning left him again.

"Andy, he swore he was going to come back and kill you!" Barney said in a small voice. After a brief silence punctuated only by the occasional gurgle of the coffee pot, Barney snapped to.

"We have to call the state boys in here," he declared stomping about like a marionette being controlled by several kids at once. "We have to call the governor. We need to call the paper. **Andy, we have to warn the people!" **Andy grabbed him by the shoulders and stopped his tirade.

"Pull yourself together, Barn. We need to be just a little more discreet here." Andy let go of his deputy and walked behind his desk. Pulling the chair out, he sit down and fixed Barney with an earnest look. "If we do all that, we'll cause a panic in Mayberry, and you know that.

"Putting this on the news or in the paper will bring us twenty reports of him before the sun comes up in the morning," he continued. "Besides he's after me, I figure he broke into Wally's fillin' station and Goober tried to stop him."

Barney mulled this over for a minute or two. "Well there's got to be something I can do Ange," he said soberly, "I mean you name it and I'll do it."

"Actually there is Barney, I want us to split up and take patrols until we catch this guy."

"What do you mean?"

"You go home and try to get some rest, Barn," Andy explained, "After sunset I'll start the first patrol. Then after four hours I'll come get you and we'll have a change of guard so to speak."

"You do your four hours, then come and get me and we'll both go out just before sunrise," he continued. "We can knock off early in the afternoon to get some extra rest," he added after a seconds' thought.

"Well, alright," Barney said hesitantly. He was obviously not thrilled about patrolling dark streets with a killer on the loose.

He went back to his one room apartment, and tried to get some rest. But every time he closed his eyes, all he could see Goobers' head crushed under the car lift like a bloody maypop. The fitful sleep he did manage was hounded by the rumblings of a loud car that seemed to roar back and forth through town. By the time Andy was supposed to wake him, he was already on the sidewalk waiting for him.

"Quiet night so far Barn," Andy started as Barney slid into the seat, "Just try not to fall asleep in the car, the last time you done that, you had one more crick in your neck." All the way back to the sheriffs' house, Barney watched the houses slowly pass by choked with shadows. Thick shadows that were so dark they turned back light from even the brightest street lights. A killer could be hiding in any of those shadows.

Barney tried not to think about it, but he couldn't help it. This was still Mayberry, but it was different. This, to him, was evil Mayberry. A dark place that offered refuge to killers, a place that sent shadowy tendrils grabbing after the patrol car. This Mayberry scared Barney.

The feeling was only intensified as he watched Andy disappear into his house. He eased the Ford into gear and slowly drifted into the night. After a couple of turns he was in the area of town that Andy said he didn't get to. After a couple of rounds, he decided to go and park near his own house. At least he could try to catch that loud car.

An hour or so after he parked the car, Barney realized that he had dozed. He was rewarded by a twinge of pain in his neck as he tried to look out his window. He decided then to go to the courthouse and fire up the coffee pot. He stopped at the next intersection, and turned right, and had to instantly stop.

About twenty feet from him lit by the cars' headlamps was a huge mound of meat. It looked like it was skewered on a fire hydrant. Swallowing hard, Barney slid out from behind the wheel to go and investigate. The mound of meat was wearing the ripped remains of a white suit. Barney found an all too familiar hat in the bushes nearby. The whole mess smelled of whisky.

"My God," Barney muttered to himself, "It's Otis."


	3. Chapter 3

-------------------------Chapter 3--------------------------------------

Barney stood in the darkness looking down at the sweat stained hat in his hands. The putrid smell of open intestines and whisky thick in the air, he walked back to the car and sat on the hood. All he could think was that he needed to fix this. He needed to have Otis back in jail sleeping off his drunk. He needed to have Goober pumping gas at Wally's. He needed to get_ his_ Mayberry back.

Barney's world was swirling into the void as he sat between the high beams of the big Ford. He didn't know whether to go get Andy, or wake the Boone's and use their phone to call him. What would _Andy_ do, he asked himself over and over as he stared into the hat? In a burst of sudden inspiration, walked to the back of the car and opened the trunk.

The light of the flashlight soon revealed a folded tarp that he spread over Otis's remains. He did this, as much for himself as for anyone else as there was no traffic this time of the morning in Mayberry. What would _Andy_ do? After a moment of extreme indecision, Barney reached into the patrol car, turned on the radio and keyed the mike.

"This is deputy sheriff Fife," Barney said, "requesting 10-66; I have a 10-54 F, repeat 10-54 F." He let off of the key and listened to the static for only a second.

"Be advised deputy Fife, two units are on the way, we're contacting the coroner now."

The state trooper arrived in a flashing blue envelope of sirens that caused two things to immediately happen. First, was that some of the braver dogs in the neighborhood were advancing on the corpse and they immediately scattered into the night. Second, lights were coming on in many of the houses down the street. As Barney reported to the troopers, the coroner finally arrived, and started to examine the body.

Just as some of the neighbors were leaving their porches for a better look, Andy stepped out of the shadows from across the street.

"What's going on here, Barney?" he asked with a look of concern.

"Well Andy, Otis is dead. It looks like a hit and run."

"I see," Andy continued with a distant look on his face. "You've obviously got this under control, I guess I'll go break up this crowd starting next door."

As Andy started toward the neighbors' lawn, one of the troopers motioned for Barney.

"You say this man lived here in Mayberry?"

"Sure, I've known him for years."

"Do you know why he was out this late at night?"

"Well," Barney started, a little embarrassed for Otis, "you can probably tell by the smell that he was drunk." Barney went on as the trooper nodded, "This is a dry county so he may have been coming back from a bootlegger somewhere."

"Do you have a big problem with this in your town?" the trooper inquired.

"Oh, no no!" Barney said defensively, "Otis was the only drunk in the whole town. As far as bootleggers and stills go, me and Andy are on top of it. No sir, there's not a moonshiner around that hasn't regretted breaking the law in Mayberry. Just like the other day I was saying…"

"Excuse me, but the only reason I ask is that I found this with the victims' body."

Barney took the item from the trooper and examined it. His first reaction was that he had just received a Christmas tree ornament, or a strange light bulb of some kind. He looked up at the trooper in puzzlement.

"What's this?"

"That, deputy Fife, is a meth pipe."

"It looks like a glass pipe to me."

"Yes, it's a glass pipe _used_ for smoking crystal meth. "

"Which we all know means," Barney paused trying in vain to look less stupid.

"Poor Otis there," the trooper continued with his last bit of patients, "was a drug addict as well as an alcoholic. So you better stay on your toes."

"But, he's dead now."

"Look you hick!" the trooper flared, "If he can get it, then others can get it. It can spread like an epidemic. Over night you quaint little town will go from Mayberry to Dingle berry, and there'll be very little you can do about it."

He stopped for composure and watched, as Otis was loaded into the back of an ambulance.

"I hope your skills for finding meth labs are as keen as your skill for finding stills, because you have to get this stopped early…"

"I have to nip it in the bud?"

"Exactly," the trooper finished as he turned to get in his car.

As he drove off, dawn found Andy and Barney on an empty street.

"Barn, you done Mayberry proud just now. Let's make one more patrol and head back to the courthouse."

After some coffee and a little rest, Barney walked out onto Main Street. Floyd was just sitting out in front of the barber shop to read the paper.

"Hey Barney, I heard you bagged a big one last night."

"That's kind of an awful thing to say aint it?" Barney asked.

"Well, maybe, but I sure would've like to seen your face when the trooper lifted the sheet and found that big albino deer under it, Hmm," Floyd said smugly opening his paper. "I'll bet he thought _you _were drunk, heh heh."

Floyd licked his thumb to turn the page as Barney stood there staring in disbelief.

"Hey Barney!" someone from across the street called, when Barney looked up the person made antlers on his head then tipped up an invisible bottle and roared laughter as he staggered off in mock drunkenness. The performance even managed to get a giggle or two out of Floyd.

"So Barney, looks like you might need a haircut." Floyd offered. "You shouldn't go around looking all shaggy with all the attention you're going to be getting today an all."

"No thanks!" Barney exclaimed and walked off to get some breakfast. As he entered the diner all conversation stopped and was replaced with stares and a quiet muttering. Somewhere from the back of the room a voice stood out.

"Hey Fife, are you going to have Otis stuffed and hung on the wall, or are you gonna make a rug out of him. Peals of laughter exploded from all around the confused deputy. Clenching his fists, he turned back to find some answers.

By the time he made it back to the courthouse, he had it all figured out. Bursting through the doors, he announced to Andy's surprised face, "The epidemic is here Andy, everybody in Mayberry's on Meth!"


	4. Chapter 4

---------------------------------Chapter 4-------------------------------------------

"Pardon me Barn, but what in the _hell_ are you talking about?"

"The state trooper said Otis was on Meth, and that it would infect the whole town, and I think it already has!"

"Barney, Barney," Andy started as he got up from his desk, "I knew Otis was smoking meth, but the whole _town_? How'd you figure that?"

Barney was pacing in front of the cells, "everyone keeps talking about some albino deer last night. They say that's what I saw instead of Otis. They're all laughing at me."

"Well, that's because they do think that. They also think you panicked and thought it was Otis."

Barney slowed to a stop by the desk, "Why would they think that?" Andy pulled the other chair closer to his desk, and motioned Barney over.

"Have a seat Barney; I've got something to tell you." After Barney sat down, he started.

"Barney, do you like living in Mayberry?"

"Sure."

"Until yesterday, would you have described this town as idyllic?"

"You bet, Andy."

"Well," Andy drawled, " It takes a little work to keep Mayberry the way it is, the way we all like, the Mayberry that it's supposed to be."

"That's our job, isn't Andy?"

"Sure Barn, so to keep the people from thinking that smoked up drunks are getting killed it the middle of the night, or that Goober was murdered in a greasy filling station, sometimes a little misinformation has to be sprinkled around." Andy looked at Barney's blank stare for a second before continuing.

"I told all the people on the street last night, that what was under the blanket, was a large deer."

"You… you …wha…"

"I said you panicked and thought it was Otis," Andy continued quickly, "and called before you looked. Now, before you say anything, 'cause I know your going to be angry, everyone on that street went back to what they had been doing, sleeping."

"But…but…Andy," Barney stammered, "you said I did good, you bragged on me, I thought I had done the right thing." He looked down at his shoes for a moment, "I just don't understand."

"Look at it this way, instead of the townspeople living in pointless fear of a drug epidemic or a serial killer, they can get on with their lives and let us get on with our work," Andy said slowly. "Maybe you look a little foolish this time, maybe I'll look foolish next time, it's all for the greater good of the community."

"What about Goober, Ange? Sara knew he was murdered. What about that?"

"I called her back from the filling station and told her it was an accident, and Wally over-reacted."

"Seems to be a lot of that going around lately," Barney said glumly.

"Now don't be that way, Barn. Taking one for the town is nothing less than heroic."

"Yeah, but I can't tell anyone about it, can I?"

"No, but what you're doing is the purist form of charity."

"It is?"

"Sure Barney, you know, don't let your right hand know what your left hand is doing. No wiser words were ever spoken. So, cheer up, it'll blow over in a day or two, and Mayberry will be back to normal."

The thought of a normal Mayberry was a selling point for Barney, and he started to feel a little better. "I guess I see now," he said.

"I'm glad to hear it," Andy said. "Do you feel like a trip out of town for the afternoon? It'll help get your mind off this Otis situation."

"What do you have in mind Andy?"

"I know where the meth lab is, and I plan on raiding it."

"When do we leave," Barney said with determination.

"Grab a rifle and come on."

The summer air hung heavy with humidity as the pushed their way through the briars and poison oak in the forest near town. After making their way through a hollow, they topped a small knoll when Andy stopped and pointed.

"You see that old shed down there? See that one board that's faded more than the others?" he asked. "I'll bet you can't hit it from here."

"Well," Barney said with a smug look, "they don't call me ol' crack-shot Fife for nothing, you know." Shouldering his rifle, Barney sighted down the barrel trying to find a good firing line through the leaves. Once he found the target in his sights, he squeezed the trigger… and the world exploded.

Red and yellow after flashes danced in Barneys' eyes as he looked skyward. The dull roar in his ears seemed to be asking him a question, over and over again. Bits of wood and debris were raining down through the forest canopy when he realized that it was Andy.

"Hey Barney, are you all right?"

"I… I think so," Barney stammered as he stood up. "What just happened?"

"That was the meth lab. There must have been a propane tank against that board," Andy said in excitement. "You did it Barney! You killed the meth lab!" he finished patting Barney soundly on the back with each word.

"I did?" Barney asked hopefully. "I did, didn't I?"

"That's right, no meth lab ever stood a chance in Mayberry with ol' crack-shot Fife around," Andy boasted.

Thunder rumbled as the patter of rain on leaves started.

"Hmm," said Andy, "can't ask for better luck than this."

Even though he was tired and soaked, Barneys' spirits were finally picking up. He even felt like he could take the ribbin' that he knew the people in town were going to give him for the next week. He was almost looking forward to it. Andy told him to take the rest of the day off as he dropped him off at his apartment house. Dry at last, Barney found sleep too persuasive as he tried to watch TV.

Well after dark, Barney was awakened by a persistent tapping noise. Tap tap tap, he sat up and looked around with bleary eyes.

Tap tap tap, he put his feet on the floor and stood up.

Tap tap tap, he walked over to his window and opened it to find a face looking back in at him.

"Gaah!" Barney exclaimed as he jumped back. Earnest T took this as an invitation and crawled through the window. "What are you doing here?" asked Barney gathering his senses.

Earnest squinted and pointed his finger at Barney. "I know what you done in the woods today dep'ty. I was watchin' you." Advancing on the deputy, he continued, " You think you blowed up an old shed, but you done more that that."

Backing up across the room. Barney bumped up against his chest of drawers.

"What do you mean?"

"That was a meth lab alright, and they was somebody in it when you shot it."

"That can't be," said Barney, "I would never do that."

"Well you've dunnit now! Brisco and his two boys are toast 'cause of you," Earnest said with a crazy look in his eye.

"Andy wouldn't ask me to shoot into a building full of people. Besides, why should I believe some who crawls through windows in the middle of the night?"

"Doors is for mo-rons," informed Earnest, "Smart folk like me use the winder."

"_**What!?"**_

"Never mind 'bout that, I was in the forest watchin you today. I know you didn't mean to kill Brisco, but I figured you needed to know. Sheriff isn't quite the person you think he is."

"You listen here Earnest," said Barney, standing up straight, "I've known Andy for years, he's my best friend.

"He's… he's respectable!" Barney finished.

"I know somethin' that you don't," Earnest said grinning. Breaking into a little chant, Earnest danced towards the window. "I know somthin that _you_ don't. I know somthin that _you_ don't." He stopped only to crawl out the window.

"If you wanna know what I know, you'll go to the barber shop right now. _Do _you want to know what I know"

"What do you know?"

"Go to the barber shop and find out. You may even find that car you was lookin for last night." Like a redneck Cheshire cat, Earnest vanished into the night leaving only the echoes of his maniacal laughter hanging in the window.


	5. Chapter 5

-------------------------Chapter 5---------------------------------------

Staring blankly out of the window for a moment, Barney slowly slid it shut. Remembering that he still had a full box of bullets, he put on his holster and loaded his gun. Once outside, Barney headed off at a brisk walk for the barbershop.

This night, he thought to himself, the shadows weren't ominous at all. They were more like fungus or mold, making Mayberry look like a town that had long outlived its expiration date. Looking in vain for signs of Earnest, Barney heard the rumbling of the loud car. Ducking behind a lamppost, he watched it go by.

It wasn't a car but a large truck with a flat bed that had wooden slat sides. Barney couldn't help but notice that the truck had no lights whatsoever as it lumbered slowly down the street. It rolled to a stop at the barber shop, and then backed into an ally.

Andy eased the trucks' door shut as he got out. Barney had to bite his tongue to keep from calling to him as Andy entered Floyds. Barney couldn't help but notice that Andy didn't look like himself. He didn't look like the friendly sheriff. Barney couldn't decide what he was looking at. This Andy puzzled Barney.

After waiting a minute or two, Barney walked across the street and tried the door. It was locked and the shade was drawn, but he could tell there was some light coming from the back room. Barney thought of picking the lock, and then he suddenly remembered that he didn't know how. A sharp scream and loud thud from inside goaded him to look for other options.

He circled the barber shop and found a window open. Climbing onto the back of the truck he noticed that his foot wanted to stick. Looking down, he noticed that there was some kind of congealed substance all over it. He quickly scrambled up the side planks to get to the window. Barney ducked through it, and fell into the backroom.

"I never thought youhad it in you Barn," Andy said as Barney drew himself off the floor. When he looked up, he felt like he couldn't see. His eyes were working, but the picture they presented him with made absolutely no sense.

"I never thought I'd have to worry about you, the bumbling deputy, catching up with me," Andy started again.

"What is _THIS!_" asked Barney as the images of the scene started to seep into his brain. "Holy **SHIT** Andy what the fuck are you doing?!"

Andy had Floyd in a half nelson hold. Floyd, bulging eyes looking out from a purple face, was gurgling up blue vomit. When Andy let go of him, he fell to the floor with a light splash as he convulsed in his own puddle. Behind Andy, sitting up in the corner and unconscious, was an older, heavyset woman with long grey hair. She was wearing a leather bustier and thong with patent leather knee boots. Whips, handcuffs, and small implements of torture lay spilled from a basket near her hand.

Barney felt as though he were having a stroke as he realized that that was Aunt Bee.

"If you must know, Barney, I'm just doing my job. I'm keeping Mayberry just the way we like it."

"How… how do we like it," Barney struggled.

"Oh, you know, free of killers and druggies"

"What about Floyd?"

"You really are just too damn dense Barney, just look at him. Look at Aunt Bee!" Andy started getting a little red faced, "do you think I can have a bunch of sexual perverts like this running around in _**my **_town?

"I've worked so fucking hard to keep this pleasant little town preserved against all the bullshit that would warp it up, or tarnish it, and what thanks do I get?!" he asked of Barney, "I get these sexual fucking weirdoes here and a deputy that's too damn nosey for his own good."

"You killed Floyd because of that?" Asked Barney "That's it?"

"Well he had it coming, Barn," said Andy a little calmer, "He never could get my sideburns even." He paused, grinning. "What do you think, Barney?" he asked jovially, showing him the box he had in his hand, "Barbicide. It's the concentrated powder. It sure did the job though, just like the name says; it killed the barber."

"Just how many people have you killed Andy?"

"I kill anybody that don't belong in my town, Barney," explained Andy in a serious tone. "Any rotten apple I find has to be culled from the barrel. Any cancer has to be surgically removed. Any deviant from the social norm in my town has **got to be exterminated **like the vermin that they are. They all eventually wind up on the back of the meat wagon out there"

"You killed Goober, Otis, and the Darlins, didn't you," Barney accused in sudden realization. "Why?"

"How could you miss the obvious, Barn. Goober was a fag. Just look at his name. Look at that stupid hat he wore. He was a flamer! Otis was a meth user, and the Darlins were making it for him," Andy confessed.

"So before you go calling anybody or trying to arrest me, just remember, _you _killed the Darlins. You're just as guilty as I am. We'll probably even share a cell up in central if you try an' have me arrested."

"I don't care, this has to stop," Barney said grabbing his pistol. He pulled, but it wouldn't come free of the holster. Andy, watching, started to laugh.

"That never gets old, you and that holster. You know I made that holster especially for you Barn, for an occasion just like this." Barney looked down at the holster, and when he looked up, Andy had a pistol drawn on him.

"That's more like a Chinese handcuff than a gun holster. You have to be calm to get you pistol. The moment you grab and jerk, it just tightens down on it.

"That holster was my insurance policy that I could get the drop on you in a gun fight, and it looks like it's paid off in spades. Now I guess I'll be needing a new deputy," Andy said without any regret, taking aim. "So long Bahrrhh…"

His voice trailed off as he fell forward on top of Floyd, the back of his head all caved in. Barney looked with mixed relief and disbelief at Aunt Bee standing rubbing her forehead with one hand, and gripping a bloody morning star in the other.

"Thanks Aunt Bee," said Barney walking over to help steady her, "If you hadn't done that, I'd be a goner."

"Your welcome Barney, just trying to save my own ass as well." Barney helped her over to a Barber chair. Sitting down she asked, "What are you going to do Barney? Are you going to call like you did last night, or are you going take Andy's seat in the meat wagon out there?"

Barney didn't have to think long before telling her, "I'm calling it in. You know, I can cover for you if you don't want to be here."

"Thank you, Barney, but I'm perfectly capable of answering any questions." It was strange for Barney hearing Aunt Bees' voice coming from the dominatrix that now had replaced her.

"Maybe you would like to go get changed."

"What for, I'm good like this."

"I guess you are," Barney said smiling inwardly a little as he picked up the phone.


End file.
